March 28, 2021 by Klaus Crow
Bigstock photo
Today is all about guitar jokes. We’re turning the tables and make fun of ourselves… The guitar players.
Sit back, relax and have a laugh.
If you don’t like jokes you can always check out the Guitarhabits’ guitar lessons archive for a great workout and some awesome guitar knowledge to get your fingers moving.
If you do like jokes, read on and check out the archive later on.
Below in the post there are also some really great “Shreds”, where footage is taken from a guitar player’s performance and replaced with new audio in sync with lip and guitar movements to create some brilliantly funny videos.
There are 20 guitar jokes here. Remember they are just jokes, don’t take them personally or seriously.
Enjoy and have fun!
The Jokes:
1 – Two jazz guitarists meet in a bar, and one says, “Yeah man, I bought your last album, it was awesome!” to which the other replies, “Oh so that was you!”.
2 – What’s the difference between an electric guitar player and a vacuum cleaner?
When you unplug a vacuum cleaner it doesn’t suck anymore.
3 – What’s the difference between a Fender and a Gretsch?
The Gretsch burns longer.
4 – The fact that there’s a Highway To Hell but only a Stairway To Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
5 – What’s the difference between a lead guitarist and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
6 – What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless
7 – What’s the difference between a lawnmower and an Electric Guitar?
You can tune a lawnmower.
8 – How do you figure out who the guitar player is at a party?
He’ll tell you.
9 – Two guys were walking down the street. One was destitute. The other was a guitar player, too.
10 – A man asks the devil: “how much does it cost to be the greatest guitar player in the world?”
The devil says: “Give me your Soul.”
The man asks: “What can i get for a dollar?”
Devil: “Greatest bass player in the world.”
11 – Why are so many guitar player jokes one liners?
So the rest of the band can understand them.
12 – How does a guitar player protect his Guitar from being stolen?
Store it in a bass case
13 – What’s the range of a Gibson Les Paul?
Depends on how far you throw it.
14 – Why do guitarists prefer playing guitar to cycling?
Because with a bike you only get two pedals.
15 – How can you tell when your guitarist is out of tune?
His hand starts moving.
16 – How long does it take to tune a 12-string guitar?
Nobody knows.
17 – Why bury guitar players 6 feet under?
Because deep down, they’re all very nice people.
18 – How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot One.
19 – How do you know someone’s a really good guitarist?
He’ll tell you!
20 – Why do lead guitarists walk around the stage when they play?
To get away from the sound.
The Shreds
Here are five of the best guitar player and band shred videos.
For those who are not familiar with “Shreds”, check them out they are hilarious.
Do you know any great guitar jokes? Please share them in the comments. I appreciate it.
You’ve got some good ones there, Klaus. Here’s one more.
How many blues guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One to screw in the light bulb, and four to say, “I can do that.”
Nice, here’s one more for you:
How do you make a guitarist turn his amp down?
Put the sheet music in front of him!
How do you get a guitar player off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza delivery.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
Q: What do Eric Clapton and black coffee have in common?
A: They both suck without Cream.
Q: What the definition of perfect pitch?
A: Throwing a Banjo into a skip without it touching the sides!
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a bassist?
A: A tattoo
Q: what’s the similarity between a guitarist and a court case?
A: everyone is releived when the case is closed!
Q: what do you say to a guitarist in a suit?
A: will the defendant please rise!
Here’s one more joke.
A frog is heading southbound on the highway and a drummer is driving north. What’s the the difference between the two?
The frog is probably headed to a gig.
What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A rock guitarist plays 3 chords in front of 3000 people, and a jazz guitarist plays 3000 chords in front of 3 people.
Q: how did the guitarist break his neck?
A: he ran his pickup into the bridge and broke his neck.
How can you tell if the stage is level?
The guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
A sixty-year old twelve string guitar player will have spent forty years of his life tuning.
How do you get a guitarist to play more slowly?
Put a chart in front of him.
A friend of mine was worried sick after he had lost his guitar. He asked me to help him.
“It’s ok” I said, “don’t fret”
How many Berklee guitar students does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1000. 1 to do it and 999 to say I could have done that.
What’s God’s favorite guitar chord?
Gsus
When does a guitar player start making money?
When he sells his guitar
Q:
Imagine you get lost in an deep dark forrest. You wander around in circles an you meet Santa Claus, Rudolph Reindeer, a good guitar player and a bad guitar player and everyone describes the way out differently. Who’s description will you follow?
A: The bad guitar player! The others don’t exist.
What’s the difference between a guitarist and a bond? The bond will eventually mature and make money.